


Good Answer

by storiesfortravellers



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fuck Marry Kill, Games, Humor, M/M, Team, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-23
Updated: 2012-06-23
Packaged: 2017-11-08 09:37:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/441791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers play a variation on the game "Fuck Marry Kill." Many possible pairings mentioned briefly as each Avenger answers the question -- read UST into the answers as you prefer :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Answer

**Author's Note:**

> Set post-movie, AU where Phil Coulson is fine and still working at SHIELD.
> 
> Written for a prompt at avengers_kink.

Tony started it, of course. “So, Bruce, a question: fuck, marry, kill.” 

“I don’t understand that question,” Thor said.

“It’s a game people play,” Natasha said. “We all say who we would fuck, marry, and kill.”

“Why would you kill someone you’ve fucked and married?” Steve asked. 

“You choose three different people,” Clint said with a smile. 

“Except,” Tony said in his usual rapid-fire, “We have to pick from our fellow Avengers. Best. Game. Variation. Ever.” He leaned back and put his hands behind his back. 

“How could it possibly be good for team morale to play a game where we talk about killing one another?” Steve asked, seeming agitated yet again by this century. 

“You would choose to kill Tony,” Thor speculated. 

“Everyone would choose Tony,” Natasha muttered, and Clint laughed as he exchanged a glance with her.

“Okay, fine, we don’t have to do the kill part,” Tony said, giving them all rather unthreatening glares. “But let’s do fuck and marry.”

“The game or the actual act?” Clint asked, all innocence.

“Both if you don’t watch it,” Tony snapped back with a grin. “So everyone has to pick one person in the Avengers to fuck and one to marry, and you have to say why.” 

“Can we pick people in SHIELD too?” Clint asked, and this time Natasha sent a smirk over to him. 

“What? No, the fun of it is that we all have to pick someone in the room,” Tony said.

“It seems really unfair to leave our colleagues at SHIELD out,” Natasha needled.

“Fine. But we’re doing them as separate questions. Which Avenger you would most want to fuck, which SHIELD employee you would fuck, and which person from either place you would marry.” 

“Fine. Your game, you go first,” Natasha said.

Tony smiled and tried not to look thrown. But then he launched into his answer. “Fine. I would fuck all of you, let me preface it by saying that. Because I’m an open-minded guy. But if I had to choose… I guess Thor because I’ve always wanted to do it with an alien, ever since I saw Star Trek: the Original Series, I mean the later series were good too of course, I mean TNG is great and DS9 was totally underrated, but you know the alien sex was never quite as exotic and erotic as in TOS. But Steve is a close second – because he kind of gives off a pure and clean all-American boy next door vibe, and it would be fun to you know… dirty him up a little. For SHIELD agents, definitely Fury. Because he doesn’t seem like a rule follower, so it would probably get WILD. Also it would be fun to hold over his head next time he yells at us. And… I would probably marry Bruce. We can talk about science and stuff together, and you know, I just think we would have fun, you know, so…. Anyway, Bruce, it’s your turn. And you can pick anyone, don’t think you have to pick me just because I picked you….”

Bruce raised an eyebrow. “Okay…. So the first question is who I would sleep with?”

“Yeah, who do you want to fuck?” Tony said.

“Um…” he looked tentatively at Natasha. “I hope you’re not offended if I pick you.”

“No. As long as you know that it’s never going to happen,” she answered cheerfully.

Bruce nodded, amused. “And for SHIELD agents, I guess … Ensign Lamm.”

“Who?” Tony asked.

“One of the guys on the deck who monitor the tech,” Clint answered.

Bruce explained, “He switches from work to videogames as soon as Fury turns his back. Which I find both brave and adorable.”

“Fair enough,” Tony said. 

“And I guess I would marry… Thor. But only because he’s most likely to survive an attack from the other guy. No offense, Thor,” Bruce added.

“None taken,” Thor assured him, “I am flattered that you deem that my strength makes me a desirable mate.”

Bruce nodded, smiling a bit awkwardly at him. “Okay, who’s next?”

“I will go next,” Thor volunteered. “I would fuck Clint because he is mysterious and complicated and I find that appealing.”

Natasha smiled at Clint, a mock congratulations to her old friend, while Tony just barely resisted pointing out that if he wanted complicated, there were dozens of articles parsing Tony’s complicated psyche.

“At SHIELD, I would fuck Selvig of course. He is a good friend and he is full of mischief after he has some wine. And I would marry Steve.” 

“Really?” Tony and Steve asked at once, both equally confused.

“Yes, he is a good warrior who knows that duty must come first, which is important for the spouse of the future king. Also, he is slightly less puny and weak than other humans, which will make it easier for my people to accept him.”

“Okay, sounds good. How about you next, Steve? Remember, if you absolutely HAD to….” Tony said with a smirked.

Steve sighed and tried not to look profoundly uncomfortable. “I guess I would sleep with Tony.” 

“Really? Why?” Natasha said.

“It’s an excellent choice, by the way,” Tony answered.

Steve shrugged. “I don’t usually believe in casual affairs. But I have realized that … the things the average man is expected to know… well, you can’t find them in army health and hygiene pamphlets any more. And from what the media says, Tony is well-versed in almost every sex act the modern world has to offer.”

“Awesome,” Tony said, not in the least offended, “Yeah, private lessons any time you want.”

Steve ignored that and continued, “I would probably sleep with Agent Hill at SHIELD. She’s very competent and very attractive and has a great deal of integrity.”

“Not Coulson?” Clint said with a smirk and Natasha let out a laugh. It had been fun watching their usually cool-as-anything handler turn into a crush-wielding fanboy who couldn’t help saying things that always managed to sound just this side of creepy. (Just yesterday, Coulson had mentioned that his Captain America poster had gotten “a lot of use” during his adolescence. When Clint started laughing uncontrollably, Coulson glared at him and explained that his parents moved around a lot and he could always make new friends by showing him his original 1940’s poster. But Steve, as usual, had just smiled politely as if he hadn’t heard anything and changed the subject.)

“Not Coulson,” Steve said quickly, then explaining, “Only because that would be strange for him, given his… previous interest. And for me,” Steve added, looking perturbed by the idea. Steve finished, “And I would probably marry … Natasha.”

“Why?” Natasha said, surprised.

“I just think you would make a good wife,” Steve said.

She raised her eyebrows. “I know you don’t think I would make a good traditional wife. Is it just because I’m a woman?”

“No, I just – “ Steve blushed a little. “You’re very forthright. And you have a commanding presence. And you know… I like that you call me on my junk.”

“Your shit,” Clint whispered to him, “The expression is ‘call you on your shit.’ Or you can say ‘crap.’ But junk means something else.”

“I like that you call me on my crap,” Steve corrected, “I think it’s important to have someone in your life to do that. To push you to be better.” He stopped and looked at the ground, seeming very embarrassed to have to have any part in this game, seeming to once again regret that he was the sincere square peg in a time of irony.

Relief came when Clint said, “I guess I’m next. I would fuck Natasha because she’s hot, she knows me, she’s pretty much all-around incredible, and most of all, I bet she’d be amazing in bed. Though Steve gets second place for the same reason Tony said – it would be a treat to see you get all … messy. At the office, I’d fuck Coulson. Similar reasons to why I’d like Steve and Tasha, actually – hot, probably great in bed, but buttoned up enough that it would be fun to dishevel him a little. Or a lot. And then… I guess I would marry Bruce. He’s pretty laid back, pretty understanding. Takes people for who they are and stuff. I think it’d be good to be with someone laid back like that.” He gave Bruce a polite but not particularly flirtatious nod, which was returned.

They all turned to Natasha then. “I would fuck Thor. Just to see if I could make him beg,” she smirked, and Thor nodded as thanks for what he perceived as a fairly straightforward compliment. He didn’t seem to understand that subverting Puritanism was a fairly large part of the game. 

“And at SHIELD, I would fuck Coulson,” she continued, “Partly because I agree with Clint; he would be good in bed. And partly because it would be hilarious to see him try to figure out which paperwork he had to fill out after. Especially if there were property damage.

“And I guess I would marry… um…. Clint,” she concluded.

Clint raised an eyebrow in surprise but grinned. “Thanks,” he said, seemingly earnestly. 

“Why Clint?” Tony asked.

“Because the rest of you fuckers piss her off too much,” Clint answered for her, and while normally he wouldn’t do that, this once she laughed and didn’t seem to mind.

“I can’t believe only one person picked me to fuck,” Tony grumbled. 

“Hey, was Pepper one of the choices too?” Thor suddenly asked. “Because if Pepper counts too, then I would like to change my answer.”

“Me too,” Natasha and Steve said. 

“No. She’s not part of the game,” Tony said. “And we’re done with this. Serious discussions only from now on for the rest of the evening.”

There was a long pause.

Then Clint said, “So if you guys could have a threesome with one Avenger and one celebrity, who would you pick?”

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Good Answer](https://archiveofourown.org/works/779380) by [sisi_rambles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sisi_rambles/pseuds/sisi_rambles), [storiesfortravellers](https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers)




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